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Emotions can be extremely useful, and in the right setting, absolutely
necessary. But when used at the wrong time, and in the wrong context,
they can be extremely detrimental and even end a relationship.
This
is no doubt, not news to many. There are the lucky ‘few’ who realize that
allowing our emotions to rule us creates all sorts of problems, not the
least of which is strained, estranged and/or severed relationships. But
what about those of us who are ‘hard-wired,’ to be emotional?
Everyone has emotions. There’s no getting around that fact. But not
everyone emotes. Or rather, some of us emote less (and some, far
less) than others. However, problems can and often do arise when we allow
our emotions to get the better of us.
Astrologically, each of the signs has a much different way of
communicating and emoting. This, however, does not mean that there are
only twelve ways of thinking, being or emoting. To further break this
analogy down, just as with fingerprints, we are each unique and feel,
think, and act differently, regardless of our Sun Sign. And yet, for all
that, we’re still basically the same.
Basic Emotional Expression by Element
To
build our model from the ground up, we should first understand that each
of the Zodiac signs is further sub-divided into four categories, three to
a category, referred to as
elements. In astrology, an ‘element’ is, fundamentally, the way a
sign expresses itself.
Each
of the elements can be identified by specific qualities which
further define it, as shown below:
Fire (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) = passionate, fiery
Earth (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) = earthy, grounded
Air (Aquarius, Gemini, Libra) = logical, intellectual
Water (Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio) = emotional, spiritual
This,
however, is not to say that each person doesn’t have some measure of the
qualities possessed by the other individual elements. We also need to
take into consideration that our natal or astrological birth charts
consist of not just our Sun Sign, but nine other ‘planets’ (the Sun and
Moon are considered planets in astrology), a comet (Chiron), our Ascendant
or Rising Sign, and our Midheaven. Some astrologers also use the North
and South Moon Nodes as well as several other asteroids such as Ceres,
Vesta, Pallas and Juno (and many others), in the calculation and
interpretation of an astrological natal chart.
The
point is that, regardless of which planets/asteroids/comets are utilized,
each of these bodies usually falls into a different sign and house
placement, thereby influencing the way that sign expresses itself.
Therefore, there are numerous possible combinations by which a sign can be
expressed – and, thus, many different ways the planetary and sign
combinations can be expressed. But, generally, each sign demonstrates
more of the qualities of its specific element than it does the
qualities of the other elements.
Additionally, the astrological House in which any given sign resides can
color the expression of that sign. For instance, a native with several
planets in Cancer in the 4th House of Home, Family, the Past &
Emotions, will technically be ruled by Cancer, since Cancer also rules the
4th House. Cancer is a water sign, hence, it is emotional,
especially around issues of home, family and the past. (For further
clarification of this concept, see my article,
The Astrological Houses and their Meanings.)
A
Leopard Doesn’t Change its Spots
As
stated previously, each of the signs expresses itself in different ways.
What this means is that, for instance, the air signs – who are usually
very cool, calm and collected and generally not prone to emotion – may
think the fire signs come across as too intense, the earth signs as too
dull and unexciting and the water signs, too ditzy and emotional.
Or
the fire signs may feel that the air signs are too stoic and unfeeling,
the earth signs, too stodgy, and the water signs, too touchy-feely.
Therefore, when a Pisces (water/emotional) and a Sagittarius
(fire/passionate) get together, the poor fishy gets its fins burned by the
enthusiasm and over-zealousness of the Sag’s way of ‘emoting,’ and the
Sagittarian tends to think that the fish is wishy-washy. This may seem
unkind, but unfortunately, we all have the tendency to view others through
our own astrological lens, even if we don’t necessarily verbally express
our disdain.
What
we each need to remember, is that none of us is wrong for emoting the way
that we do; it is simply that we each communicate differently. There
should be no condemnation in these differences of communication style.
However, we should also take the other person’s feelings (even if they
might not seem to have any) and innate ways of expressing his or herself
into consideration.
Additionally, while compromise is essential to any successfully
functioning relationship, a Gemini is still a Gemini, and a Leo, a Leo.
Respecting the way others express themselves is also paramount. Because,
after all, the Gemini is not likely to change his spots, regardless of how
much he might love you, and you may end up driving him away.
A
Case Study
This
lesson came home to me in a very profound way that demonstrates all too
clearly how we need to be considerate of each other and the way in which
we each perceive emotions.
I’m a
fire sign. And like most fire signs, I tend to communicate with my heart,
more than my head. In other words, as much as I would like to think that
I think before I speak, I don’t always do that. At least not in the way I
should. And usually only when it’s too late do I realize this; as most of
us are, unfortunately, prone to do.
Recently, when communicating with two air signs (Aquarius and Libra), one
of whom (the Aquarian) has the Moon in Leo, I realized just how precise
our ‘emotion’ filters are. This particular Aquarian, who’s in his head
most of the time, has a very difficult time dealing with his opposite
emotional ‘Moon-in-Leo’ nature. Consequently, even should he begin an
emotionally-laden conversation about anything, it’s best to let such an
individual work through these emotions on their own rather than engaging
them in conversation on the subject. No sooner had I agreed with what he
was saying, than he realized that he was being emotional (and accused me
of doing the same) and left the room. When I turned to the Libra to
explain why the Aquarian had reacted the way he had, she refused to engage
in the conversation, either.
What
I learned from this interaction – and many others I’ve had with other air
signs – is that air signs have an extremely difficult time dealing with
anything that smacks of emotion. Further, we can often alienate others –
regardless of the element in which their Sun Sign falls – by the very
nature of the way we communicate – or don’t communicate.
Realizing this caused me to realize something else: I had experienced an
eerily similar situation with a Gemini. Except that this particular
Gemini is even less prone to being emotional since, along with his Sun,
his Moon, Mercury and Mars are also in Gemini as well. And unfortunately,
because of the way I over-emoted in our verbal interaction with each
other, instead of drawing him closer, I ended up pushing him away with my
intensity.
At
this point many of you might be shrugging your shoulders and muttering,
‘C’est la vie. Who cares anyway?’ While it’s all too easy to pretend
that we really don’t care one way or the other whether we have friends or
loved ones in our lives, the fact is, the majority of us do care.
Additionally, most of us would prefer that our relationships – in whatever
form they might manifest – were peaceful and happy.
I
sincerely believe that if more of us were more concerned with our
interactions with others – with how what we said and did affected others,
and compromised accordingly – there would be less dissension and far fewer
domestic upheavals and divorces. Like the ripple effect, this, in turn,
would create stronger family ties, which would lead to stronger
relationships between friends and acquaintances, and ultimately the entire
world.
A
utopian dream? I don’t believe so. If this fiery-eyed Leo can be turned
around, anyone can.
Learning to Accept and Work With Our Differences
So,
what’s the answer? How does one go about making the changes necessary to
ensure a relationship that’s as emotion-free and balanced as possible?
First, one must have the desire to change. Yet, further, we need
to realize that the change must begin with us. Pointing the finger and
casting aspersions gets no one anywhere. It merely creates more enmity
and frustration. Look at yourself, at what you need to change
about yourself in order to be a happy, balanced and whole person.
Don’t rely on someone else to make those changes, either for you,
or for themselves. Take the initiative and change your own behavior. Be
responsible for your own actions. It’s amazing how quickly others will
see the change in you and begin to make changes for and to themselves.
Second, accepting others for who they are, and not for who we wish them to
be is absolutely necessary. Most of us would agree that none of us likes
to be molded over into someone’s idea of the perfect mate, friend,
employee, child or parent. And we usually balk if anyone attempts to
change us in any way. Parents, especially, need to keep this in mind when
interacting with their children. Children are not our clones; they have
their own personalities, likes and interests. They are not extensions of
us, but individuals in their own right. Treat them with respect just as
you would an adult. But, of course, teach them what they need to know;
guide them to be the best person they can possibly be. But stand back and
let them take the reigns when it’s time to remove the training wheels of
life. Neither anger, dissension, animosity nor any of the other emotions
works any better with children than it does with adults.
Third, being balanced also means being willing to listen. Sometimes all
any of us needs is to be heard. No one wants to be belittled or their
feelings discounted. However, if you genuinely feel that you can’t offer
the kind of support – moral or otherwise – that is needed, let the other
person know. Try to find a solution together. But listen.
Finally, don’t allow your emotions to hold you hostage. Being balanced in
everything you do can literally save all of your relationships. Eat well,
love well and play well; but always in moderation. Moderation is
definitely the key to happy, fulfilling and joy-filled relationships, and
thus to a happier, peaceful world.
© 2007
Kat Starwolf All Rights Reserved
Kat Starwolf is a practicing relationship and empathic counseling
astrologer, researcher, metaphysician and avid reader of anything
pertaining to human inter-relatedness, emotions, sexuality, sociology
and psychology. She is also currently working on her degree in
counseling psychology. She may be contacted at 400 Capital Circle SE,
Suite 18-255, Tallahassee, Florida 32301, by phone at 850-980-0250 or
via her website
http://www.starwolfastrology.com .
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